1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Related Cat Care Blogs

• Trololo Cat | Scratch The Cat [FUNNY VIDEO]
• But is it declawed? Justin Bieber flashes a sense of humor with …
• Funny Stories – Cat Humor « Funny Jokes
• An Cat Dubh-Into the Heart (Chicago 2005) – U2 – Web blog …
• How to Give a Cat a Pill | Home Alone Critter Care of Columbia …
• Tips on Keeping Your Cat Healthy · ArticleMarks
• How To Give Your Cat A Pill
• How to Give a Cat a Pill
• How to give a cat a pill | All That Pet Care

This page has touching photos of an unusual animal friendship; a paring between a parakeet and kitten that you don”t normally see.

Male kindergarten teacher? Jewish biker?

Ken Shapiro of Parkville, a Y-chromosomed early-childhood educator and founder of Semites on Bikes, has met with his share of raised eyebrows.

Maybe it”’’s my old Free to Be You and Me album talking, but it takes more than that to shock me. It takes seeing Shapiro straddle his Harley in the nude, with nothing but a strategically placed cat to protect his modesty.

Shapiro appears in “Kitty Porn,” a calendar that, according to the promotional materials, features “12 nude, middle aged, mostly out of shape, jewish men, discreetly covered by cats!”

Yes, that”’’s the promotional material.

The calendar – available for $20 plus shipping at sobikes@verizon.net – is a fundraiser for the Humane Society of Baltimore County”’’s new cat shelter, or “cat house,” as Semites on Bikes delight in calling it.

Looking for a charity project, the group settled on that because one of its members, Tom Dudley, is president of the Humane Society board. Dudley didn””t pose. (“Too mature,” Shapiro said.)

Shapiro retired from Owings Mills”” Deer Park Elementary School in February, but said teaching wouldn””t have kept him from posing, even though the cat didn””t quite cover his keister. Despite the “out of shape” disclaimer, Shapiro, 55, looks pretty fit.

“One of the guys actually spent six months working out, tanning,” Shapiro said. “When he took his shot, he went out in the woods or something. He had his girlfriend him spray him with PAM. It”’’s the only shot that looks like it doesn””t belong there. It looks like the cover of Blueboy magazine or Playgirl.”

But that guy, Mr. July, and Shapiro, Mr. January, seem to be exceptions.

“Wait till you see August,” Shapiro said. “We have one guy who”’’s 389 pounds.”

Here”’’s some more shocking “Kitty Porn” for you